New Release by Shashi Tharoor
  • Meera

How to start afresh and get rid of all the past pain

Past is known to us. It is predictable and hence all good and bad experiences of the past are more comfortable to accept. There is no suspense, it has already happened, all the turn of events, all the situations and emotions are something we have already lived. The pain you cling on to starts defining you in every aspect of your life. Hence you must let go. Forgiving is the easy part. Even forgetting is in some cases where people are out of sight and out of your mind. Unless you forget the pain, you are not able to move on, enjoy the moment, live in the moment and be the best version of yourself. Some people keep getting worst with time and they get used to living with the pain and their pain starts controlling them and everything they do, every relationship that they form.

Here are some tis to move on forever and undergo a complete better transformation and turn everything around in your life, it will take time but it is important:


-Cut out the informal communication with old friends- your old friends are the people who know you from your past and how you were in the past. The conversations are likely to tilt you back to the person you were. Though the people might me good but still they will remind you of the person you were and no wonder we all behave the same with old peopele.


-Stay away from your family - this is the most difficult thing to do. Your family is the only people that love you. But you have not progressed so far living with them. This might be because they are used to seeing you as a disappointment. It is not their fault, it is human nature to form opinions and judgements and stick by them. Also all your decisions specially the major ones are determined and largely influenced by your family. You might not have enough means to move out, or you may be holding on to all the reasons to stay with your family as you are afraid to explore the unknown, or be on your own. But this will be the best thing you must do for yourself.


Cut out on relatives- mostly relatives have the tendency to judge, compare, try to evoke jealousy or make you feel bad and you will keep feeling the need to 'show them' you are better. To avoid all this avoid contact with relatives as much as possible unless you make yourself and your life the way you want. One must go out on the world on their own and be completely on their own to gauge their own strengths and weaknesses and choose their own path without any burden of comparisons and expectations. Cutting off gets important when life gets you to the point of do or die in terms of proving yourself.


Also in case of many people who are seen as innocent and losers due to their inability to prove themselves or their past failures are very obvious and highlighted, are naturally not those whom friends and relatives want to contact. So already you are isolated in some sense and have the complete freedom to be whatever you want to be. Maybe you are still attached to your parents and siblings and thus are unable to be something else that you want.


More often than not there are some memories attached to you being a certain type of a person and each time you interact with your family the person that you are expected to be you become that person naturally. No matter even if you show progress, achieve or do anything, your family will drag you to their comfort zone of seeing you how you were in order to feel comfortable. But growth starts outside everyone's comfort zone. You need to accept the fact that your family will be just fine with or without you and most importantly you will be fine with or without them. People say 'you can't run away from the past' but you should.


When life takes you down to the point where your identity is lost you need to move anywhere else to regain confidence. We are the product of our past, but we don't have to be prisoners of it. Learning to stay detached and embracing solitude is important for transformation. Yes, being detached does not mean physically staying away, it means being mentally alone, more with yourself and your goals. However when you are with people your conversation tends to again move to the same things, it is easy to move back in to the comfort zone of who everyone thinks you are. Solitude is the furnace for transformation.


The following guidelines are a must try when you are living alone on order to transform completely and this process will take you at least six months:


  1. Focus only on yourself and how you breathe

  2. Refrain from contacting any family member or old friend

  3. Stay away from social media and delete your social media accounts

  4. Concentrate only on your work, growth and development

  5. Whoever calls ask about them and refrain from talking about yourself

  6. Do not share your day with anyone, learn to deal with everything yourself

  7. Accept what has happened and your current situation

  8. Check on how you use your day and what makes you happy

  9. Keep learning more and more skills

  10. Read as many books as possible- most important

Again we are all products of our past. So whatever hurts us the most is what we need to focus on the most. Different people have different pain points. Some pains you can get rid off by only working on them. Some people feel bad about their looks, they can improve their aura and enhance their appeal, some are made to feel bad about their achievements, they need to learn to achieve and win, some are ignored due to their financial status, some due to their intellect, general knowledge, mindset.


First assess whether the people you want to prove yourself to are the ones you look up to? if not, then ponder what is hurting you about the comments? is it your own low self esteem that a person can sense hence take liberty to use it against you ? is it because those around you are jealous of the way you are and hence bring out points or defects in you to make you feel bad? if they are jealous then why are you feeling bad? is it your inner most unknown hidden insecurity that they are channelizing on? if that is the case, do you consider these people as your friends? Sometimes we spend a lot of time with people who put their insecurities inside us. Hence always be careful of the kind of people you interact with.


Second thing is again, are you internally competitive and always in a race with everyone? or are you trying to mistake goodness for letting people walk over you? you may be taught all good bookish values about being considerate, happy for others, forgiving, smiling, but most of the world is not like that and when you behave saint-like in a devil-like world, your life is going to turn upside down. People will doubt your intentions and find you different. You need to blend in the culture of the place where you want to make yourself a success. For example, if you are in an office, your co-workers are competing against each other, wanting to move ahead of others, you will be a pushover if you decide todo your own thing. Like you can't escape office politics you are a part of every place you are in.


Solitude does not mean renouncing the world and living like a monk. It means taking space and time to focus on your own goals much more than anything else. Everything begins at home, change is always first happening on your personal front. so when personally you are detached, you are detached even at workplace from everyone else and thus you are only focused on your own work. If you are self assured as a person, you are self assured even at work place. After all every work you do is impacted by the kind of a person you are as a person. If as a person you are a doormat, how likely are your chances to be a leader in office? exactly! if personally you are feeling less competent , it will reflect in every interaction you make with the outside world. If you feel you are ugly because you might be dark skinned or too pale colored and maybe one of your parent has this complex and have pin pointed your skin color or maybe your spouse has, then this complex would more likely stay inside you.


It is no one's fault but now decision is yours as to how you feel inside about yourself. Even if everything is going great, your internal self is the one experiencing things. Your outlook towards the world matters. It matters whether you are focusing on the crisis or the opportunity, your own talents or shortcomings, faith or hopelessness. It defines your actions as well. So staying away builds most people. Because you need to accept that no matter what you achieve those in the past who are used to not acknowledging you will not. There are examples where people have changed their perception towards someone but it happens only after showing them repeated results. Remember: actions speak louder than words ever will.


Stay focused on getting better each time and highlight the positive, highlight the results each time you achieve and till the time you make a very remarkable progress, hide your failures. Even if you prefer to stay with your loved ones, highlight the high points, edit out the low ones, this is the key to success and happiness. Let people associate you with happiness and good energy. Allow them to associate you with success. After all it is not even the achievements but how you see yourself and how you allow others to see you that matters.


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